The Earl of Sandwich was the most notorious hell rake of his day. Sublimely debauched and satanic. The truth is we need more like him today. Our world has not only gone soft, but also stale. The likes of the Earl of Sandwich would give it just the shake up it desperately needs.
Born John Montagu in 1718, the Earl of Sandwich has been described as being “as mischievous as a monkey and as lecherous as a goat.”
Although we would frown upon it today, the Earl of Sandwich had a penchant for seducing young girls, and once boasted that “the corruption of innocence being in itself my end.” He also hired naked prostitutes to beat his rear end with whips in a bid to revive his flagging libido.
Perhaps unsurprisingly, some dubbed Sandwich “the most universally disliked man in England.”
Another of his penchants was gambling and often he would play for 24-hours at a stretch, refusing to leave the table when asked to. This is where the story of the invention of the sandwich comes from. During one of his long stints at the gambling table, the Earl of Sandwich ordered a waiter to bring him a slice of salt beef between two pieces of bread, so he could eat while still playing.
The Earl of Sandwich might have been debauched and amoral, but if it hadn’t been for him we’d never have got the ubiquitous sandwich – and where would we be without that?
Because of his hereditary title, that of an earl, and his political influence, Sandwich was made First Lord of the Admiralty. At that time, most political appointees didn’t do a lot. They rather shirked their way through the job. But not Sandwich. He went at the job with the same fervor as he did seducing young girls, boozing and celebrating the Black Mass with the notorious Hellfire Club, of which he was a dedicated and prominent member.
He was in the office at six in the morning and worked till after dark. Then he’d head for his favored brothel run by a woman called “Mother Sulfur” and wile away the night boozing and indulging in carnality.
Unfortunately, despite all his hard work at the Admiralty Sandwich apparently accomplished almost nothing. The Encyclopedia Britannica, for example described his administration at the Admiralty as “unique in the history of the British Navy for incapacity.”
After the Admiralty, he was sent as an ambassador to various countries. But alas, despite throwing his all into it things didn’t go too well. A special group had to be formed to follow him and correct the diplomatic crises he caused.
According to historians, Sandwich had at least one venereal disease that may have affected his brain, which might explain things somewhat. But who knows. Maybe it was simply the way he was.
As a member of the Hellfire Club, he was vehemently anti-religious, and once preached a sermon to a congregation of cats. And that is something that really needs to be revived today both in churches and in mosques, whose joyless and controlling religious fantasies were what Sandwich and those like him railed against over two hundred years ago.
Not only was the Earl of Sandwich anti-religious, he was also anti-democratic. Violently so. He despised the general public, or the “masses”, and opposed anybody that tried to get a better break for the common man. He supported the king on any issue whatsoever simply to override the more liberal members of parliament.
But because of his friendship with the King and his control of the Navy, Sandwich was a very powerful man at the time and exerted a profound influence on the British Empire.
My contention is that we need people like the Earl of Sandwich. A true Satanic majesty to shake things up. The world has gone stale and is stymied by snowflakes and political correctness. We are restrained and muzzled (literally with the Covid hysteria). But we are wild animals who need to express our bestial natures.
In the end, though, no amount of shackles of this life-denying kind will be enough to hold us back. We will break the bonds, much like a man transforming into a werewolf, and we will do what we will, say what we will, behave as we will. And the snowflakes will melt into water from the burning heat of our passion. The politically correct overlords will look on in horror and run for the hills as we follow the creed of Rabelais and DO WHAT WE WILL.
And lastly we will pay homage to the Earl of Sandwich who, along with numerous other hell rakes of the 18th century, showed us that we are not truly alive if we allow ourselves to be subdued and let our Satanic nature, the beast within, be neutered.